The Hausas.

Their lifestyle is as simple as their language.

They have some of the richest and poorest human beings in Nigeria- the Dangotes and the Almajiris. Their states are the poorest in the country, with Sokoto proudly leading the pack.

Hausas are some intelligent species. Yes, they’re not so educated- the western way, but they understand the art of being relevant. How else do you want to explain their dominance in the Nigerian politics? I don’t understand how they do it. 

They are potential dictators.

The Hausas can get really passionate about a lot of things; from panting after “phawa” like some maniac to slaughtering for religion- in some of the most disturbing ways, to helping underage girls get married. Their Alhaji forum is committed to making sure young ladies never run out of money for upkeep. A Fulani beggar can follow you for miles until he gets that naira note. Passionate people.

I think the Hausas are the most trustworthy folks in Nigeria. They’re completely straightforward. And fearless. But this doesn’t change my wish to have many of them transported back to the 15th century. And then slowly re-tutored and guided back into the 21st.

They can be really friendly, especially when selling you Suya, just don’t get all too comfortable, because they’re always ready to dagger you if anything breaks out. Why do think that little sword is always sharp? They forget you immediately. Of course, this mostly applies to the uninformed ones amongst them, who ermmm, are quite plenty.


The Yorubas.

Deteriorating by the day. Have many empty barrels and noisemakers.

They arguably used to be the best in Nigeria. Best schools, best students, good leadership, good economy, really civilized cities and all. But now, all they have, is the haggard remains of what used to be Cocoa House, a bunch of old-fashioned, mean and outdated professors, blocks of mediocre and dying universities basking in past glories, Lagos state, and Olusegun Obasanjo.

But they still have the seat of the most enlightened in Nigeria. They’re highly tolerant and liberal. This is beautiful. It’s something to be proud of. They accept anything that’s not bullshit. A Yoruba man doesn’t really care what religion you practice or where you’re from, just allow him to throw his party in peace. But is life all about Aso-Ebi?

Yorubas are cunning. They know when to fight- which is almost always never, and when to flee/sneak away- which occurs frequently. Some see this as cowardice, I see it as wisdom. At the end of the day, the aim is to survive.

Yorubas are dangerous. What’s more dangerous than a smiling man whose true intentions are not known? What’s more dangerous than a friend who enjoys gaslighting you? How are the originators of OYO- On Your Own- not dangerous?

The Yoruba demons are a modern, formidable, and less-rich version of the Hausa Alhajis.

The Yorubas cannot survive without their daily meal of respect, which must be served by kneeling and prostrating. It’s as important to them as the ‘h’ in happy.

When an average Yoruba person asks you, “how are you doing?” Don’t think it’s because they really care, they only want to confirm your life is not better than theirs.

Finally, I will give them credit for championing the way education is now being perceived in Nigeria, and for being the founding fathers of modern partying in Nigeria.


The Igbos.

They thrive on producing good duplicates and collecting bride price.

Because some of them think they originate from the Jews, they come across as delusional. Conservative, and lover of their kind, they can get really tribalistic.

They’re blessed with really pretty ladies; ladies and fathers with a mighty affinity for anything that looks like money, hence the bride price revenue.

Firm, strong, creative and industrious, the Igbos think they can survive anything. God help them. They are daring. But, bravery without wisdom is senseless.

They are business oriented. They are secret millionaires. They are family oriented.

Anambra has the lowest poverty rate in Nigeria. It has one of the highest rates of literacy too. Amazing, if you ask me. Remove Lagos, and you have the Igbo states dominating the most-developed arena. Some of the most brilliant minds and students are starting to emerge from amongst them.

In the political arena, they sulk. A lot. And seethe around, brandishing the victim card. Maybe they’re victims, but come on! The more Biafra gets fought for, the more I get confused. Am I the one missing something or they are really really delusional?

The Igbos play a vital role in the trauma Nollywood is currently going through. They’re the brain behind some of the most troubling movies we’ve seen in Nigeria.

I look at the Igbos, and I see the these-are-my-people-I’ll-help-them-up attitude, which is not so common with the Yorubas.

P. S I have a 24/7 military escort.

by Soogun Omoniyi