The Village People Chronicles Part 1

The Village People’ is one phrase whose use has grown over the years in the Nigerian cybersphere. If you’re not a Nigerian or you’re a only-wikipedia Nigerian, you’ll surely find it difficult understanding the concept of the Villagers or the Village People.
So today, I’ll be imparting into you this vital piece of information. I really hope you’ll find it helpful. Let’s start by defining things.
The Village People are a sect of powers and principalities Continue reading

One Day

One day, you’ll wake up and find out you’re the only person in the room. Your wife will enter and see you on the bed. She will scream and call for your children and workers. They will rush in and with all vigor, shake you on your bed.

They will only see you on the bed, they won’t notice you’re actually by the door, calling out to them. Soon, relatives will begin weeping their way in, some will be trembling, some with hard faces, others will be smiling. They will say a lot of good things

“Oh He lived well..” “lovely man..”

They won’t speak out the bad but true ones, but you will be able to hear their thoughts

“Useless bastard..” “sad and irresponsible…” “Full of hate and secrets…”

You will not care, all you will want now is to tell your wife you’re sorry for always being a jerk, to hug little Sara and tell her sorry for constantly smacking her. You’ll want to tell John, your first son that you love him for the first time. You’ll have so many wishes, but you will never be able to have them. You’re the only one in the corner.

They will later carry you out of the luxurious room and you’ll float behind, tired from screaming out to them. You’ll now clearly see your love-deficient wife wobbling behind. Her wrinkled and tired face will break you and you’ll shed ghostly tears. You’re now being carried out of the house you broke so many rules to build. You’ll see the exorbitant cars, many of which you bought from your unhealthy struggles at work.

The latest version of the iPhone you just bought will ring, but you won’t be able to touch it. Three other phones will cry out too, because many will call. Your hands will keep slashing through them all, you won’t be able to grasp anything.

Now, only one word will be ringing in your soul. Vanity.

Soon, one of your close friends will rush in, sobbing. He will be screaming too

“Is it true what I just heard about senator! Is it true!”

Senator. It will smash you, how you made your family and other important people pay to have that title, how you deprived them of love, care and attention. Vanity.

He will with a sham grieve pull on the white cloth you have been covered with, revealing your nakedness. Your organ that has destroyed lives will slightly and helplessly dangle in front of the world.

You’ll get angry and start a fresh wave of your ghostly screams, warning them of the new mourner

“Don’t mind him, take him! He poisoned and killed me! yesternight .. He is a murderer”

They won’t be able to hear you. You will quit crying and finally acquiesce that you’re gone, you are truly now on your own. Vanity.

\Soogun Omoniyi is a medical student who sits on cadavers and writes crazy beautiful stories.
13690878_569161596598175_7848607148715438958_n

Differences between Hollywood and Nollywood in the 21st Century by Soogun Omoniyi

FB_IMG_1459490891391

1. In Hollywood a person always drops immediately after receiving a shot through the head. This can be different with Nollywood; the person dilly-dallies for a few seconds, shouts ‘yee, yee’, recites about two hundred words of regret, and then decides whether to die or not.

2. In Hollywood, shoot him on the leg and the bandage comes on the leg. With Nollywood, it doesn’t matter where the bullet enters, the ‘white clothe’ always stays wrapped around the head. Nigerian bullets have a way of swimming from any part of the body into the skull.

3. While Hollywood decieves us by showing sophisticated things and events that are not even in existence yet, Nollywood tells us the truth of how they’re struggling to catch up with the 10th century.

4. Shoot a Hollywood actor and you’ll see blood. Some Nollywood actors don’t have blood in their vessels. E no dey commot o. If you like, use bazooka, nothin!

5. Hollywood uses ‘different’ guns for different beings. Nollywood is advanced; that same pistol? will kill the police officer, kill the ghost that appears behind him and kill a diety. End times.

6. Hollywood has a way of making you believe the most ‘impossible’ things and events. Superman. Ant man. Shuttle to the sun. Nollywood will make you doubt the existence of helicopters. You’ll doubt the very thing you saw yesterday.

7. When a house is on fire, it’s actually on fire; it burns down in Hollywood. A house on fire in Nollywood reminds of the burning bush. You’ll see the fire-like thing, but the house no dey consume. It stands sure. Nigerian houses are fireproof.

8. Hollywood guns are made out of metal. Some Nollywood guns are made with plastic. These guns can make soundless shots without silencers. They also have guns that will shoot whether you pull the trigger or not; just make sure you’re holding it.

9. Hollywood derives pleasure in traveling to the sun and out of the milky way to other galaxies. Nollywood is at its best when they travel to igbo gegese or igbo runmale. The joy is fuller when only one person returns with the broken calabash.

10. Hollywood produces about 600 movies per year. Nollywood produces about 50 in a week; this number can increase at the incidence of an epidemic. Who has seen Ebola?

***
At no point did I pick one industry over the other; they’re equal.

/Soogun Omonoyi is an ardent of pancake, chicken wings and anything readable. When he is not studying, check carefully, he may be somewhere writing or thinking of what to write. And He loves Berry.